Anglické vtipy

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Anglické vtipy v angličtine vás rozosmejú i poučia. Ako pri čítaní určite zístíte, pointy mnohých žartov sú založené na slovných hračkách.

Ak sa anglický jazyk učíte len krátko, vaša slovná zásoba je malá a zrejme niektoré pointy ťažko pochopíte. Mnohé z tu uvedených vtipov však obsahujú tie najzákladnejšie slovíčka a teda aj minimálna slovná zásoba by mala postačovať k ich porozumeniu.

Využijete na kurze angličtiny v zahraničí

Ak ste základy angličtiny už zvládli, vtipy by vám nemali robiť problémy. A v prípade, že sa vyberiete na jazykový kurz angličtiny do zahraničia a máte dobrú pamäť na vtipy, dokážete zabaviť i ostatných.

Zoznam vtipov nie je konečný, postupne pridávame i ďalšie, takže ak sa vám takáto forma humoru páči, navštevujte túto stránku opakovane.

Najnovšie prírastky vtipov sú z knihy Geoff Tiballs: The Mammoth Book of Jokes, 2006. Nižšie na stránke sú uvedené vtipy z publikácie autorov Feilhauer-Ehrhardt: English lernen mit Witzen, 1996.

Veríme, že sa pri čítaní pobavíte a snáď sa zároveň naučíte nové anglické slovíčka.

Enjoy and have fun !!!!

"Do yo believe in life after death?" the company boss asked one of his young employees.
"Yes, sir."
"That´s good, because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother´s funeral, she called in to see you."

A woman was in bed with his husband´s best friend when the phone rang.
After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said:
"That was Jim, but don´t worry, he won´t be home for a while. He´s playing cards with you."

A husband was standing on the bathroom scales, desperately holding his stomach in.
His wife, thinking he was trying to reduce his weight, remarked:
"I don´t think that helps."
"It does," he said. "It´s the only way I can read the numbers."

The wife of mine is liar," confined a husband to his best friend.
"How do you know?"
"Because she didn´t come home last night, and when I asked her where she had been,
she said she had spent the night with her sister Emma."
"So, she´s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Emma!"

A woman with 12 children aged between one to 12 decided
to sue her husband for divorce on the grounds of desertion.
"When did he desert you?" asked the judge.
"Eleven years ago."
"But if he left you 11 years ago, where did all the children come from?
"He kept coming back to say he was sorry."

Patient: "How much to have a tooth pulled?"
Dentist. "80 dollars."
Patient: "80 dollars for few minutes work?"
Dentist: "I can extract it very slowly if you like."

A woman was overweight so doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat the procedure for two weeks. Next time I see you, you´ll have lost at least 5 lbs."
But when the woman returned two week later, she had lost 20 lbs. The doctor was amazed.
"Did you follow my instructions?"
"Yes," she said, "but I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

A husband asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday.
"Oh, just give me something with diamonds," she replied.
So he bought her a pack of playing cards.

A little Johnny was heard how he was praying in a loud voice a week before his birthday.
"Dear God, I pray that I will get a computer game for my birthday."
"Why are you shouting?" asked his mother. "God isn´t deaf."
"I know," replied Johnny," but Granny is."

A man went to his bank manager and said:
"I´d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?"
"Simple," said the bank manager. "Buy a big one and wait."

How do you double the value of Skoda? Fill the tank with gasoline.

What´s the difference between a Skoda and the flu? You can get rid of the flu.

Why does a Skoda have a heated rear windscreen? To keep your hands warm when you push it.

A woman phone her husband at work for a chat.
"Sorry, darling," he said, "I´m really busy at the moment. I haven´t got time to talk."
"Oh, this won´t take long. It´s just that I´ve got good news and bad news."
"Look," he repeated, "I really am busy. Just give me the good news."
"Well," she said, "the air bag works."

"The car won´t start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there´s a water in the carburattor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don´t even now what the carburattor is."
"I´m telling you," repeated the wife, "I´m sure there´s a water in the carburattor."
"We´ll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where´s the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

"I just met a man I haven´t seen for over ten years."
"That´s nothing. I just met someone I never saw before in my whole life."

Mother: "Eddie, you´ve been fighting! You bad boy, you´ve lost your front tooth."
Eddie: "No , I haven´t. It´s in my pocket."

"Barbara, what are you doing out there in the rain?"
"Getting wet!"

Worried lady to pilot: "You will bring me down safely, won´t you?"
Pilot: "Don´t worry, Madam, I´ve never left anybody up here yet."

"Any luck with your advertisment for a husband?"
"Yes, I´ve had sixteen replies. And they all say the same thing."
"What´s that?"
"You can have mine!"

Teacher: "Where is your pencil, Tommy?"
Tommy" "I ain´t got one."
Teacher: "Not ain´t - haven´t. I haven´ t got a pencil. You haven´t got a pencil. They haven´t got a pencil."
Tommy" "Gee! What happened to all the pencils?"

"Care to come to my birthday party on Saturday, Jill?"
"Thanks Trevor. Where do you live?"
"Number thirty-eight, London Road. Just push the bell with your elbow."
"Why with my elbow?"
"You´re not coming empty-handed, are you?"

A man went into a barber´s shop holding a small boy by the hand. After the man had had a haircut, shampoo and shave, he placed the boy in the chair.
"I´m just going to buy a bottle," he said, "I´ll be back in a minute."
The boy had his haircut and the men hadn´t returned.
"Looks like your Daddy´s forgotten all about you," the barber said to the boy.
"Oh, that wasn´t my Dad," said the boy. "He just walked up to me outside and said, ´Come on, son, let´s go and have a free haircut.´"

Little girl: "Mum, does God go to the bathroom?" Mum: "No dear, why do you ask?" Little girl: "Well this morning, I heard Dad knock on the bathroom door and say, ´Oh God, are you still in there?´"

Dad: "Did you have any problems with exam questions?"
Daughter: "No , it was the answers I got stuck on."

"Julia, this report is most disappointing. I promised you a bicycle if you passed your exams. What have you been doing with yourself?"
"Learning to ride a bike."

Teacher: "You can´t sleep in class."
Girl: "No. But if you didn´t talk so loudly I could."

An Irishman was sitting in a pub wearing one blue sock and one red sock.
"That´s a strange pair of socks you´ve got on," said a friend.
"Yes, it is," he replied. And do you know, I´ve got another pair at home just like it."

"Dad, there´s a man at the door collecting for the new swimming-pool."
"Give him a glass of water!"

An Irishman applied for a job and filled in an application form.
The personel manager looked down the form and then said:
"I see that your birthday in on March 17. Which year?"
"Oh, every year, " replied the Irishman.

"What did you get for your birthday?"
"I got a trumpet, and it´s the best present I ever got."
"My Dad gives me 50p a week not to blow it."

Doctor: "Did you drink your medicine after your bath?"
Patient: "After drinking the bath I didn´t have too much room for the medicine."

How do Eskimos dress? As quickly as possible.

"Why did Sheila leave her job?"
Oh, anything serious?"
"The boss got sick of her."

anglické vtipy

"Little girl, did you catch that big fish all by yourself?"
"No , I had a little worm to help me."

"Where´s your sister?"
"In the house playing a piano duet. I fninished first."

Father: "Well, Sylvia, did you get the best marks in your class this term?"
Sylvia: "No, Daddy. Did you get the best salary in your office?"

Boy: "Dad, can I have a glass of water?"
Dad: "That´ll be your tenth glass!"
Boy: "I know, my room´s on fire"

Psychiatrist: "As this is your first visit, I suggest you start at the beginning."
Patient: "Very well. In the beginning, I created Heaven and Earth ... "

An Irish priest on a trip to Israel was shocked when asked
for an enourmous price to be ferried across the Galilean Lake.
As he marched off he was heard muttering, "No wonder Jesus walked!"

Little girl: "Mummy, Mummy, that boy next door broke my dolly."
Mummy: "How did he do that, dear?"
Little girl: "I hit him over the head with it ."

He: "Do you play the piano by ear?"
She: "No, I prefer to use my hands."

A little girl came home after her first day in school and complained,
" What´s the use of my going to school" I can´t read, I can´t ´write,
and the teacher won´t even let me talk!"

"Waiter, waiter, does the orchestra play requests?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Well, tell them to play cards until I´ve finished my meal."

"Can you telephone from a plane?"
"Of course I can tell a phone from a plane, the plane´s got wings."

"I tried this new onion diet I read about - onion for breakfast, onion for lunch, onion for dinner."
"Did you loose any weight?"
"No, but I lost a lot of friends."

Doctor: "Well now, is your cough better this morning?"
Patient: "It should be. I ´ve been practising all night."

Bill: "I can´t up make my mind whether to be a poet or a painter."
Ben: "Oh, I think you should be a poet."
Bill: "You mean you´ve read one of my poems?"
Ben: "No, I´ve seen one of your paintings."

The upstairs tenant called to the downstairs tenant:
"If you don´t stop playing that damned trumpet, I´ll go crazy!"
"I think, it´s too late," came the reply. "I stopped an hour ago."

Army recruit: "What happens if this parachute fails to open?"
Army instructor: "Bring it back and we´ll give you another."

Teacher: "If I had fifty apples in one hand and sixty in the other, what would I have?"
Pupil: "Extremely big hands, Miss!"

Teacher: "Angie, if your father earned 500 pounds a week and gave your mother half, what would she have?"
Angie: "A heart attack."

Top scientist: "This gas is a deadly poison. What steps would you take if it escaped?"
Young scientist: "Large ones, Sir!"

Waiter: "Would you like your coffe black?"
Diner: "What other colours you have?"

City lady: "Have you ever had any accidents?"
Cowboy: "No, Ma´ am. Mind you, I was once kicked by a horse and bitten by a snake."
City lady: "Good heavens! Don´t you call those accidents?"
Cowboy: "No, Ma´ am.They dit it on purpsose."

Teacher (on the telephone): "So you say John is too ill to come to school?"
Voice at the other end: "That´s right."
Teacher: "Who am I talking to?"
Voice at the other end: "This is my father."

Customer: "I´ll have a hamburger, please."
Waiter: "With pleasure."
Customer: "No, with pickles and onions."

Teacher: "I hope I didn´t see you looking at someone else´s exam paper, Willie."
Willie: "So do I, Miss."

Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I´m a horse."
Doctor: "I would like to cure you, but I´m afraid my fee will be very high."
Patient: "Don´t worry about that. Yesterday I won the Derby."

If your clock strikes thirteen, what time is it?
Time to get a new clock.

She: "You remind me for the sea."
He: "Wild, romantic and restless?"
She: No, you make me sick."

Tilly: "Is it safe to swim here?" I ´m afraid of the crocodiles."
Billy: "Oh, you don´t have to worry about them. The sharks scare them away."

A motorist was driving down a one-way street the wrong way.
He was stopped by a policeman on a motorbike.
Policeman: "Do you know where are you going?"
Driver: "Yes, but I must be very late. Everyone else is comming back."

"I don´t think Mum knows much about children."
"Why do you say so?"
"Because she always puts me to bed when I´m wide awake and gets me up when I´m sleepy."

Mother: "Don´t you know that reaching over the table for cakes is a bad manners? Haven´t you got a tongue?"
Matthew: "Yes, but my arms are longer."

Teacher: "How can you prove that the world is round?"
Pupil: "I never said it was, Miss."

"I say, porter, where is this train going to?"
"This train goes to Liverpool in ten minutes, Madam."
"Good gracious! Last time I went to Liverpool it took four hours."

Doctor: "You need glasses".
Patient: "How did you know?"
Doctor: "I could tell as soon as you walked through the window."

Teacher: "I wish you would pay a little attention."
Pupil: "I´m paying as little as I can."

Little Mary was on train with her mother when suddenly
she started to whisper in her mother´s ear.
"Mary," said her mother sharply, "how many times
have I told you it´s impolite to whisper.
If you´ve got anything to say, say it loud."
"All right," said Mary, "why has that man got such a big ears?"

"I thought you weren´t going to smoke any more."
"I´m not." "But you´re smoking as much as ever." "Well, that´s not more, is it?"

An Irishman looked from his newspaper and said to his wife, "I never understand how it is that people always die in alphabetical order."

"How far is from here to the station?" asked an English tourist.
"It´s about fifteen-minute walk," answered an Irish local, "if you run like hell."

"Have you read the Bible?".
"No, I´m waiting for the film."

"Waiter, waiter, what does this fly in the bottom of my cup mean?"
"I ´m a waiter, Madam, not a fortune teller."

"Did you take my advice about your sleeplessness?
Did you count sheep?"
"Yes, I did , doctor. I counted up to 482 347."
"And did you fall asleep?"
"No - it was time to get up!"

"Dad, where are the Himalayas?"
"Ask your mother. She puts everything away."

Doctor: "Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?"
Patient: "No. I tasted it once and decided that I´d rather have the cough."

How can you tell which end of the worm is its head?
Tickle it middle and see which end smiles.

"Did you miss me while I was gone?"
"Were you gone?"

Father: "Why were you kept in after school, son?"
Son: "I didn´t know where the Bahamas were, Dad."
Father: "Well, in future remember where you put things."

"Are you coming out to play?"
"No, I´ve got to help Dad with my homework."

"How old are you now, Darren?" asked his auntie.
"How do you mean?" answered Darren.
"When I´m on a bus, when I go to cinema, or in a real life?"

Customer: "Waiter, what´s this fly doing in my ice-cream?"
Waiter: "Looks like it´s learning to ski."

Why do birds fly south in winter?
It´s too far to walk.

"Margaret, you musn´t use ´a´ before a plural - you say ´a´ horse, not ´a´ horses".
"But, Miss, the vicar´s always saying ´a-men."

"I don´t want you using those bad words any more."
"But, Mother, Shakespeare uses them."
"Well, don´t play with him again."

The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when father called over the waiter.
"Yes, Sir? said the waiter.
"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate,"
explained the father.
"Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"
"Gosh, Dad!" exclaimed the excited boy.
"Have we got a dog then?"

As a large impressive funeral was passing, a man on the pavement watching it go by asked a small boy,
"Who ´s died?"
"Chap in the coffin," said the boy.

Drowning man: "Help, I can´t swimm!"
Passer-by: "So what? I can´t play piano, but I don´t shout about it."

Poor old Steve sent his photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club.
They sent it back saying they weren´t so lonely...

"My wife´s an angel"
"Realy? Mine´s still alive."

Little Johnny was playing in the garden and looking angrily into sunlight with half-shut eyes.
His mother came out and said, "Why don´t you move out of the sun?"
"Why should I? answered Johnny. "I was here first!

"Doctor! Doctor! I need glasses!"
"You certainly do, Madam. This is a fish and chips shop!"

"Waiter, what´s this fly doing in my soup?"
"Looks like the breast-stroke,sir."

"Waiter, there´s a dead fly in this soup."
"Yes, sir, it´s the heat that kills them."

Vicar: "You must not fight, little boy. You should love your enemy."
Boy: "But he´s not my enemy. He´s my brother."

Angry teacher: "Why are you so late?"
Lazy pupil: "Well, I saw the sign in the street that said "School ahead - go slow !"

Patient: "Doctor, my family thinks I´m mad."
Doctor: "Why?"
Patient: "Beacause I like sausages."
Doctor: "Nonsense, I like sausages too."
Patient: You do? You must come round and see my collection. I have hundreds."

"Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven," said the Sunday school teacher.
Everyone put their hands up except Kenneth.
"Don´t you want to go to Heaven, Kenneth?"
" I can´t, Miss, " said Kenneth. "My mum told me to come straight home."

"Mum, now I ´m fifteen, can I wear eye-shadow and lipstick and mascara and perfume and wear high-heeled shoes?"
"No, Charles, you may not."

Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with "I", Nicholas.
Nicolas: "Yes. Sir, "I" is -
Teacher: "No, no, Nicholas! You don´t say "I is", you say "I am"."
Nicholas: "All right, Sir. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

" I´d like some crocodile shoes, please."
"Certainly, madam, what size are your crocodiles?"

Mother: "Aunt Edna won´t kiss you with that dirty face."
Johnny: "That´s just what I was up to."

Mother : "Eat your spinach, dear. It will put colour into your cheeks."
Johnny: "Who wants to have green cheeks?"

"Waiter, waiter, the service here is terrible."
"If you think the service is terrible, wait until you see the food!"

Brother: "Why are you so clever?"
Sister: "I take clever pills"
Brother: "Let me have some, then."
Sister: "Take two of these."
Brother: "These aren´t pills - they´re just sweets."
Sister: See! They´re working already."

What did the bee say to flower?
"Hello honey."