Jazykové pobyty a kurzy - Fun English - anglické vtipy, jokes

Na tejto stránke Vám chceme ponúknuť trocha zábavy v podobe anglických vtipov. Ako pri čítaní určite zístíte, pointy mnohých žartov sú založené na slovných hračkách.

Tu uvedené vtipy pochádzajú z publikácie autorov Feilhauer-Ehrhardt: English lernen mit Witzen, ktorú vydalo vydavateľstvo Ravensburger Buchverlag v roku 1996.

Zoznam vtipov nie je konečný, postupne sa budeme snažiť pridávať i ďalšie, takže ak sa Vám takáto forma humoru páči, navštevujte túto stránku opakovane.

Veríme, že sa pri čítaní pobavíte a snáď sa naučíte i niekoľko nových slovíčok.

Enjoy and have fun!!!!

Waiter: "Would you like your coffe black?"
Diner: "What other colours you have?"

City lady: "Have you ever had any accidents?"
Cowboy: "No, Ma´ am. Mind you, I was once kicked by a horse and bitten by a snake."
City lady: "Good heavens! Don´t you call those accidents?"
Cowboy: "No, Ma´ am.They dit it on purpsose."

Teacher (on the telephone): "So you say John is too ill to come to scholl?"
Voice at the other end: "That´s right."
Teacher: "Who am I talking to?"
Voice at the other end: "This is my father."

Customer: "I´ll have a hamburger, please."
Waiter: "With pleasure."
Customer: "No, with pickles and onions."

Teacher: "I hope I didn´t see you looking at someone else´s exam paper, Wilie."
Willie: "So do I, Miss."

Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I´m a horse."
Doctor: "I would like to cure you, but I´m afraid my fee will be very high."
Patient: "Don´t worry about that. Yesterday I won the Derby."

If your clock strikes thirteen, what time is it?
Time to get a new clock.

She: "You remind me for the sea."
He: "Wild, romantic and restless?"
She: No, you make me sick."

Tilly: "Is it safe to swim here?" I ´m afraid of the crocodiles."
Billy: "Oh, you don´t have to worry about them. The sharks scare them away."

A motorist was driving down a one-way street the wrong way.
He was stopped by a policeman on a motorbike.
Policeman: "Do you know where are you going?"
Driver: "Yes, but I must be very late. Everyone else is comming back."

"I don´t think Mum knows much about children."
"Why do you say so?"
"Because she always puts me to bed when I´m wide awake and gets me up when I´m sleepy."

Mother: "Don´t you know that reaching over the table for cakes is a bad manners? Haven´t you got a tongue?"
Matthew: "Yes, but my arms are longer."

Teacher: "How can you prove that the world is round?"
Pupil: "I never said it was, Miss."

"I say, porter, where is this train going to?"
"This train goes to Liverpool in ten minutes, Madam."
"Good gracious! Last time I went to Liverpool it took four hours."

Doctor: "You need glasses".
Patient: "How did you know?"
Doctor: "I could tell as soon as you walked through the window."

Teacher: "I wish you would pay a little attention."
Pupil: "I´m paying as little as I can."

Little Mary was on train with her mother when suddenly
she started to whisper in her mother´s ear.
"Mary," said her mother sharply, "how many times
have I told you it´s impolite to whisper.
If you´ve got anything to say, say it loud."
"All right," said Mary, "why has that man got such a big ears?"

"I thought you weren´t going to smoke any more."
"I´m not." "But you´re smoking as much as ever." "Well, that´s not more, is it?"

An Irishman looked from his newspaper and said to his wife, "I never understand how it is that people always die in alphabetical order."

"How far is from here to the station?" asked an English tourist.
"It´s about fifteen-minute walk," answered an Irish local, "if you run like hell."

"Have you read the Bible?".
"No, I´m waiting for the film."

"Waiter, waiter, what does this fly in the bottom of my cup mean?"
"I ´m a waiter, Madam, not a fortune teller."

"Did you take my advice about your sleeplessness?
Did you count sheep?"
"Yes, I did , doctor. I counted up to 482 347."
"And did you fall asleep?"
"No - it was time to get up!"

"Dad, where are the Himalayas?"
"Ask your mother. She puts everything away."

Doctor: "Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?"
Patient: "No. I tasted it once and decided that I´d rather have the cough."

How can you tell which end of the worm is its head?
Tickle it middle and see which end smiles.

"Did you miss me while I was gone?"
"Were you gone?"

Father: "Why were you kept in after school, son?"
Son: "I didn´t know where the Bahamas were, Dad."
Father: "Well, in future remember where you put things."

"Are you coming out to play?"
"No, I´ve got to help Dad with my homework."

"How old are you now, Darren?" asked his auntie.
"How do you mean?" answered Darren.
"When I´m on a bus, when I go to cinema, or in a real life?"

Customer: "Waiter, what´s this fly doing in my ice-cream?"
Waiter: "Looks like it´s learning to ski."

Why do birds fly south in winter?
It´s too far to walk.

"Margaret, you musn´t use ´a´ before a plural - you say ´a´ horse, not ´a´ horses".
"But, Miss, the vicar´s always saying ´a-men."

"I don´t want you using those bad words any more."
"But, Mother, Shakespeare uses them."
"Well, don´t play with him again."

The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when father called over the waiter.
"Yes, Sir? said the waiter.
"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate,"
explained the father.
"Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"
"Gosh, Dad!" exclaimed the excited boy.
"Have we got a dog then?"

As a large impressive funeral was passing, a man on the pavement watching it go by asked a small boy,
"Who ´s died?"
"Chap in the coffin," said the boy.

Drowning man: "Help, I can´t swimm!"
Passer-by: "So what? I can´t play piano, but I don´t shout about it."

Poor old Steve sent his photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club.
They sent it back saying they weren´t so lonely...

"My wife´s an angel"
"Realy? Mine´s still alive."

Little Johnny was playing in the garden and looking angrily into sunlight with half-shut eyes.
His mother came out and said, "Why don´t you move out of the sun?"
"Why should I? answered Johnny. "I was here first!

"Doctor! Doctor! I need glasses!"
"You certainly do, Madam. This is a fish and chips shop!"

"Waiter, what´s this fly doing in my soup?"
"Looks like the breast-stroke,sir."

"Waiter, there´s a dead fly in this soup."
"Yes, sir, it´s the heat that kills them."

Vicar: "You must not fight, little boy. You should love your enemy."
Boy: "But he´s not my enemy. He´s my brother."

Angry teacher: "Why are you so late?"
Lazy pupil: "Well, I saw the sign in the street that said "School ahead - go slow !"

Patient: "Doctor, my family thinks I´m mad."
Doctor: "Why?"
Patient: "Beacause I like sausages."
Doctor: "Nonsense, I like sausages too."
Patient: You do? You must come round and see my collection. I have hundreds."

"Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven," said the Sunday school teacher.
Everyone put their hands up except Kenneth.
"Don´t you want to go to Heaven, Kenneth?"
" I can´t, Miss, " said Kenneth. "My mum told me to come straight home."

"Mum, now I ´m fifteen, can I wear eye-shadow and lipstick and mascara and perfume and wear high-heeled shoes?"
"No, Charles, you may not."

Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with "I", Nicholas.
Nicolas: "Yes. Sir, "I" is -
Teacher: "No, no, Nicholas! You don´t say "I is", you say "I am"."
Nicholas: "All right, Sir. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

" I´d like some crocodile shoes, please."
"Certainly, madam, what size are your crocodiles?"

Mother: "Aunt Edna won´t kiss you with that dirty face."
Johnny: "That´s just what I was up to."

Mother : "Eat your spinach, dear. It will put colour into your cheeks."
Johnny: "Who wants to have green cheeks?"

"Waiter, waiter, the service here is terrible."
"If you think the service is terrible, wait until you see the food!"

Brother: "Why are you so clever?"
Sister: "I take clever pills"
Brother: "Let me have some, then."
Sister: "Take two of these."
Brother: "These aren´t pills - they´re just sweets."
Sister: See! They´re working already."

What did the bee say to flower?
"Hello honey."

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